Akatsuki Camping Disaster!
by akatsukiKaimu
Summary: Pein and Konan decide to take the Akatsuki to go camping, un!Follow them on their retarded adventure through... shit...yeah... Rated for Hidan's swearing, sexual mentions, and animal porn. Flames will be ignored...
1. So It Happens

Note: I do not own: the Akatsuki, animal porn, banana cream pie, doughnuts, waffles, and you :D

WARNING: THIS STORY WILL CAUSE YOU THE FOLLOWING: BARFING PUKING BLEEDING DYING FLYING CARPETS ORGYS? RAINBOW CATS CURLY HAIR DEPERESSION ANGER HAPPINESS AND ... uh read on

-Love, datsgie :D

Chapter 1: A Random Morning

Pein wakes up to the sound of banging and thrashing downstairs. He groans and rolls over and falls off his bed. Now fully awaken, he scrambles onto his feet and races down the stairs, without first catching a glimpse into the hallway mirror which is 7 feet tall. "Dang, you are one sexy God..." Pein says and stares into his reflection and smooths back his orange spiky hair then, striking numerous poses. "Daddy?" he turns around and sees Tobi still in blue pajamas, a teddy bear in his hands. (Aww...) "Tobi, for the last time I am NOT your daddy..." Pein says ,hearing now yelling and glass breaking. "Okay daddy!" Tobi says cheerfully and slides down the railing of the stairs. Pein sighs and grabs his cat porno magazine out of no where and follows behind Tobi. When he arrived he drops his magazine and stares in horror of what used to be the kitchen. The fridge had been knocked down spilling all of the contains inside, the breakfast table had been chopped in halves, Food and glass splattered nearly every corner of the room, and the yelling argument was headed in the living room. He walks slowly into the room and sees a Deidara with messy long hair wearing a awfully large t-shirt reaching his knees which made him look even more girly than usual screaming at his shirtless danna (LOL) who is sitting on the floor reading turtle porn. Deidara catches Pein in the doorway and shouts out, "Leader-sama! Un!" Pein almost barfs from seeing Deidara turning around to face the red head in slowmo, looking all uke-ish with tears in his sparkling bright blue eyes and almost sees a pink flowery background behind the tearful blonde. "Danna stole my precious magazines, un!"he says and points angrily at the calm red head. "Turtle porn..."Sasori says with a hint of amusement in his chocolate brown eyes as turns a page in the intense magazine. (I love saying that!XD) "I wouldn't have stolen it if Deidara hadn't eaten my doughnuts this morning!" Sasori pouts, puts down his magazine, and crosses his arms truly looking like a little boy who didn't get what he wanted on Christmas Eve, Pine Sol. It was a very sad Christmas... Tobi sits in the corner in his booster seat and eats his Fruit Loops through his eye hole and for some reason says nothing random as usual. (I always wanted to say that...) Leader takes a breath and says"Now Deidara, you had no right to eat Sasori's-" "Shit!" another voice comes from upstairs that leads into the living room. Hidan's head rolls down the stairs leaving bloody trails on the wooden polished stairs and on the flooring. Kakuzu dressed in a black t-shirt and baggy shorts walks down stairs caring to step on the priest's head. "Fuck! Kakuzu, put my fucking head back on or I swear to Jashin-sama that your ass-" Tobi picks up Hidan's head, "Oh! Was Auntie Hidan sleeping with Uncle Kuzu last night again?"The head blushed and screamed, "Fuck you stupid asshole basketball face! Now help me get my head back onto my fucking body!""Okay! But to let you know, Tobi cannot sleep through the noises you both make at night. There are weird moaning and banging noises...""SHUT UP!" Tobi then runs upstairs to the zombie duo's room with Hidan in his hands. Pein clears his throat and turns to Kakuzu freezes to a stop who was trying to sneak into the kitchen.

"Kakuzu, what was rule number 5?"

"I don't want to..."

"Kakuzu..."

"But this time was necessary..."

"Kakuzu..." Pein warns

He groans and grumbles, "No killing, cutting, chopping, slicing, amputating, cremating, selling Ebay, beating, murdering, removing, or hitting members or other people unless necessary. Especially to Hidan..."

The orange haired man nodded and faces the art duo who decided to read the latest edition of Turtle Smex together on the floor while eating Tobi's was-hidden Hot Cheetos. Pein left in silence to the kitchen to have some coffee that he would need everyday. Konan then walked in and glared her world famous Medusa-like glare at the mess kitchen, then at Pein who was sipping at his coffee wearily. " We need to get out of this place." He said quietly as she sat across from him. "No we need to get out of here-and fast..." She says and she watches Zetsu outside the window, raping some 7 year old kids that lived across the street. Kakuzu was seated in one of the seats passed out from the heart attack he had from the electric bill company. Tobi walks in with a bag of Hot Cheetos Puffs, grabbing handfuls of the hot goodness and stuffing them into his eye hole. "Mommy? (Konan) Can we go camping at Big Bear? :D"Tobi chirps and stuffs 12 more puffs into his eye hole. "Camping?"Itachi says as he out from underneath the debris of food and shattered glass. Konan jumps in surprise and lands in Pein's lap. (LOL)Kisame gets up as well groaning and rubs his aching head. "I have a headache..." He groans and falls face down into some pie that was randomly there. "... This is why, I hate pie... Especially BANA CREAM PIE." Kisame said but his words were muffled by the delious goodness. Then Pein spoke up,"Camping? I don't know Tobi, it might lower the Akatsuki's rank in-" "Daddy, what is Akatsuki?"Tobi cocks his head to the side. Konan smacks her hand against her face. Then Deidara and Sasori came in, both slightly sweating and their faces flushed red. "We heard we were going camping, un!" Deidara grins at Sasori. "What happened to you two? Did you just finish making out? XD" Kisame said as he lifts his face out of the pie. "Uh... Yes...No...Maybe?...So?"Sasori said. Itachi reaches one finger over to the fish man's face, swipes off some banana cream pie, and puts it into his mouth." "Mmmm... Banana Cream pie..." he smiles which sends Kisame into a bloody nose mess as he runs upstairs into the bathroom to jack off to some turtle porn. At least it wasn't that gay pedo OrochiPedo... Itachi turns to the art duo and says, "Yes we are going camping. Right Leader-sama?" All eyes were turned to their leader, even Zetsu who happened to stop raping his 3rd kid stopped and looked through the window. (I laughed so hard at that part xD) Their eyes full of hope, sorrow, and eagerness to go out into the depths of Mother Nature and explore her- "Okay!" Pein screams at the narrator Datsgie. To everyone else he says,"We can go tomorrow so it's best to pack today... But remember-" everyone was already gone to their rooms to pack. "I can already tell that this is going to go bad." He sighs and Konan smiles slightly. Kakuzu wakes up,"Whozawhatzaporn?" then falls back asleep. The lovers both sweat drop and leave in silence.

Hidan and Kakuzu's Room:

"I can't believe we are going on this gay ass camping trip!" Hidan complained for the last 20 minutes as Kakuzu packed both bags. "No don't you fucking dare take that..."Hidan growled noticing Kakuzu taking his money case with him. "Why not?" the greedy man said. "Because you can't buy or sell anything in the fucking woods, dumb ass!" Hidan hollered and threw a pillow into Kakuzu's face. A vein popped out of his forehead and kept silent as he packed a t-shirt that said: Killed my mom for 5 bucks (Nice shirt Kaku lol) Hidan sat on his soft twin bed wearing nothing but his rainbow boxers (a gift from Sasori lol) "Put on a damn shirt you queer whore." A shirt is thrown onto the priest's face. Hidan tears the shirt in half and throws it back at Kakuzu. "I can't wear any kind of gay ass clothes! It's against Jashin-sama you fucking ********!" The stitched man froze as so the room did too. Hidan smiled boastfully and crossed his arms. Then an angry green eye gleamed from the old miser, "What...did...you...call me?" he asked in a soft but rather dangerous voice. "A ********" Hidan emphasized the last word. The silver haired man had done it, he had said, the word that would make any man like Kakuzu go around like a mad rabid dog and so horrible that it had to be censored. Then suddenly one of his gross back mask melted out of his back,his favorite. The name is so horrible that you might have nightmares from it and will have to sleep with a night light for the rest of your life, its name was: Dorothy. Then Dorothy crawled over to Hidan faster than a blink of an eye and ripped out his heart. He screamed and ran around the room for a while before falling flat on the floor bleeding to death. Kakuzu smirked and patted Dorothy's head as Hidan flicked his middle finger towards Kakuzu and Dorothy weakly before falling on his face.

Deidara and Sasori's Room:

"How's this, un? " Deidara's arms went out as if presenting himself, he wore a tan flannel shirt and darkish green cargo pants with a cute floppy hat. "Cute," was his comment and zipped up his red Hello Kitty backpack. (Yes Sasori likes Hello Kitty) Sasori was a bit disappointed though, he really wanted to see his partner in a sexy swimsuit or a sundress. "Hey brat wear this." the red head rolled up a pair of cloths and tossed it at the blonde. "Hn?"he unrolls it and blushes hard and gaps at a smirking Sasori,"Kukukuku," Sasori laughs so hard that he accidentally pops off his head. "Damn it!" In Dei-chan- I mean Deidara's hands was a pink shiny spagetti strap swimsuit that is suppose to show a lot of cleavage , has a bare back, and shows some of the stomach and nearly the pelvis. "Danna...un..." a vein pops from the bomber's forehead and he then tackles the headless body of Sasori into the soft white carpet.

Tobi and kind of Zetsu's room:

"Zuzu- sama!" Tobi bounces around packing random shit into his usually large Dora backpack. Zetsu hangs outside of Tobi's windows, he is not allowed in the house anymore because he keeps raping the Akatsuki members, Pein's (but mostly Konan's) orders. "Yes, Tobi?" says Whitey "What, Lollipop Head?"said Blackey. "Can Zuzu reach on that top shelve for Tobi?" he points and the green haired man follows his point and finds himself staring at a 10 feet tall shelf. Placed on top of the shelf were coconuts in all various sizes and came from different places. Big, medium, from Hawaii or Alabama, if there were any coconuts from Alabama..., whatever kind of coconuts you wanted, Tobi had. (lol always wanted to use this sentence) "Uh..." said Zetsu not wanting to expose his vines that came from... down there... his arms inside his trap were already.. uh.. occupied... Then he suddenly moaned loudly. "Zuzu? Are you okay?" Tobi cocked his head and pointed his fingers to his mask where his cheeks should be. "Dang it! This Rubric cube is so hard to do Tobi!" Zetsu wailed and threw the colorful cube away. (Got you there didn't I? No? Okay...) "Tobi want some cake!" Tobi yelled as he laid upside down on his purple fluffy twin bed that used to belong to 9 year old Konan.

Itachi and Kisame's room

"Kisame..." Itachi whispered, "Huh?"Kisame answered and laid flop onto his aqua blue bed, he was worn out from packing both bags when Itachi had just been eating all of their dango stock. "You lack..."Kisame turned over to face Itachi, a look on his face that was telling him to go on,"You lack... Cream puffs!" Then out of no where, dramatic music was cued and Itachi's "dramatic face" was zoomed in. Kisame sweat dropped as Itachi giggled and landed next to his partner's right side. "Ahh... Same..." Itachi said and inched closer to the fish man. "Ita..chi what are you..?" "Shhh!" Itachi pressed his fingers against the fish man's lips rather hard and dramaticly which almost made the authoress die of laughter. "Kisame.." Itachi whispered again and laid his right arm over Kisame, he then placed his right leg over Kisame's legs and he kept his look on Kisame. "Itachi..." Kisame was about to lose it and have another bloody nose when suddenly Itachi's eyes began to sparkle and the uke background was there. Kisame died of blood loss.

Pein and Konan's room:

Pein and Konan's room were far fancier and neater than the other team's room. Everything was white, including the glass bathroom that 30 people could have fit into a space. The both were readied and packed and were about to settle in to go to sleep when suddenly Konan asked Pein, "Pein, can you teach me how to play checkers?"Pein was about to say no when suddenly he got an idea... "Okay Konan, I'll teach you really quick, just take off your night dress and I'll go get the other Peins from the room next door...""Okay!" Konan said happily slipping off a strap, unaware of Pein's "surprise"

AUTHOR NOTES!:

Yay! mah first fanfiction! :DDD If you see another story like this, it was because I couldn't make a fanfiction account at first so I made a booksie. My booksie is azngie4 but this is mah official... R&R? :))))))

-(^._.^)~ datsgie


	2. iHop Stop

No employers of iHop were harmed :3

I don't know the menu for iHop so I mades em up. Please don't flame me I'm very tired :'c

Akatsuki do not belong to me, if I did then they would be ruling the world with dinosaur cookies. Inside jokes are inside. Mychonny is my idol but I do not own him. Bwaha. I put in some inside jokes in here, how many can you find? XD

Enjoy.

Chapter 2: Road Trip

"WAKIE WAKIE EVERYONE! WE NEED TO GO TO BIG BEAR NOW BECAUSE TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!" Tobi's screams could be heard 2 blocks down the street. The masked boy began to bang pots and pans and began to sing the Campfire Song by Sponge Bob down the hallways of the other rooms. "TH O-_**WAAH**_!" a clay pig with wings and a dinosaur tail was thrown at him. "Tobi! Shut up! It's only 3 am you idiot, un!" Deidara's voice. Tobi giggled and shouted back, "No Senpai! Grandpa Kuzu disabled all of the alarm clocks to sell on Ebay and replaced them with broken ones, it's actually 11:25 am silly cows!" From the left side of the room, an angry old man voice shouted, "Tobi! That was supposed to be a secret!" There a moment of silence and crickets could almost be heard then Tobi was immediately engulfed in the crowd of Akatsuki members scurrying about to do their business before they get in the car to their Final Destination- I mean Big Bear. "Zuzu! Help Tobi! _**NoooooOOooo**_!" were the good boy's last words before sinking into the crowds. Zetsu poked his head inside the window because of his name called, when he didn't see the caller, he shrugged and returned to his Plant Porn.

After 2 hours of trying to gather all of our favorite members together, Pein announced, "Alright everyone, I'm going to assign duties-"Itachi giggled, "Duties, haha moo." "- for everybody to do so we are able to keep track of our shi- I mean stuff, Deidara and Sasori?" The blonde and red head were making out together grabbing at each other as if they couldn't get enough of everything. The room was silent; the only sounds were of the art duo's kissing and smacking. Konan began to take photos of the sexy couple when Pein gave her a glare which made her stop taking those amazing make out pictures that a certain miser sold online to fangirls. To the art duo Pein said, "You two are in charge of tents and firewood, Kisame and Itachi are in charge of our luggage, Hidan and Kakuzu will be in care of directions," Hidan quickly flipped two birds at Pein before he could see. "Last but not least, Tobi and Zetsu will be sure of our food supplies." "TOBI IS A FUCKING GOOD BOY!" Tobi screamed suddenly. Our favorite villains stared quietly at the wanna-be cursing gangster boy. "Sorry…" Tobi whimpered and hid behind the plant dude who was still quietly reading Plant Porn. "Leader-sama?" Itachi raised his banana cream pie hand, Kisame step sided away from Itachi for he hated the amazing taste of banana cream pie. Kisame, you hater. "Yes Tachi-san?" Pein answered. "What are you and Konan going to do?" "…. "Everyone get in the car, and Zetsu sit in the trunk." Zetsu cursed to himself as the Akatsuki packed into the car.

"There was an old farmer who lived on a rock, he sat in the meadow just shaking his-" "TOBI! Not now, un!" Deidara screamed and slapped some clay onto Tobi's mouth. They sat in the way back kind of close to Zetsu who began to radiate emo waves. Now the masked idiot only made moaning muffled noises which sounded as if he was being butt raped. "Turtle Porn~…" The red head said with a shiny glint in his chocolate plastic eye. "Danna, un! GIVE THAT BACK NAO- I mean NOW!" The furious blonde screamed and snatched away the porn. Then Sasori only stared sadly at his Brat with enormous eyes, he was about to shed lemon polish tears when Deidara shoved a Barbie and Ken doll into his Danna's hands who began to strip them both slowly…. Tobi and Deidara stared in silence. "Oi! Fuck face! I'm hungry!" Hidan shouted, he was seated in the middle row next to a red eye man wearing a Dora backpack using uke-no-jutsu on a fishy boy named Kisame who dodged it by playing the dreadfully addictive song: 'HEYAYEAHYEAHYEAYEA featuring He-Man' "HEYAAYEAHEYAh—What's going' ON?!" The blue man sang. But then the song ended and uke-no-jutsu fucked his ass up as blood streamed down Kisame's nose. "What the FUCK, Kisame!" The old miser shouted and shoved Kisame away, "You're getting blood all over mah sandwich- FUUUUUUCK- I mean you asshole!" When Kakuzu had said Fuck it meant he was watching too much mychonny (in thanks for Hidan :D) which made him now an asain wanna-be fag. "Ay- Fuck-ku-zu! Gimme some of yo sandwich, bitch!" Kakuzu held his ham and cheese sandwich defensively to his chest. "FUCK YEW I MEAN YOU HIDAN GET AWAY YOU DICKHEAD!" Yup our beloved Kakuzu was an asain wanna-be faggot. Let's give him a slap on the butt- I mean back. "KAKUZU, YOU—- MMMPH!" Clay was immediately slapped over the albino's mouth. "Shut up Hidan, un! Don't say the FORBIDDEN word in the CAR! We're driving, you ass hole, un!" Hidan ripped away the clay and opened his mouth to say another long stream of cussing but then surprisingly quieted down and picked up his rosary. "Jashin-sama please make fucking Kakuzu go to fucking hell and I will sacrifice 73 virgins to you and do a little dance." His jaw was met with a fist. "FUCK YOOOOOU!" Hidan screamed as his nose began to bleed. The weasel and fish were too busy "sucking face" to notice the bickering in the area. "YOU GUYS SHUT UP!" Leader said, a vein popping out of his forehead. The car quieted down a little bit. "It's okay Nagato, we're almost there…" The bluenette patted her boyfriend's hand reassuringly. "Because later it will be just you and me under the stars…" Pein nervously laughed and glanced to the trunk where Zetsu was sitting with a mysterious large lump, and Zetsu was starting to get it on with the mysterious large lump… Tobi began to climb on top of people's heads to make his way to the front to his "mommy" and "daddies-" I mean "daddy" "Tobi- What the hell watch it!" a red head exclaimed. "Fuck! Get out basketball ass!" a silver haired man screamed and threw the poor idiot to Kisame who was still sucking face. He landed in the fish man's lap just when Kisame broke the kiss and then returned for more "sugar" from the weasel. Kisame's lips met a cool, smooth surface and jumped back. "Tobi you whore get out!" a kick in the butt boosted Tobi to his destination. "Hi momma! Daddy!" Konan turned her blue head to the orange mask, "Hi cutie, why are you out of your seat? You'll get hurt…" Tobi shook his head no wildly,"N-no Konan-Mommy! Tobi wanna be with yew!~" Tobi hugged his "mommy's" leg. Pein stared at the loving duo and shook his head, "_**Am I the only normal fucker around here?" **_he thought. A childish voice answered him, _**"No Daddy-sama!" **_Pein jumped at the familiar voice and nearly drove the van off the road. He then stared at the masked idiot who was now smiling- because a messy smile had been draw onto the mask and was still hugging his girlfriend's leg while she patted his head. Arguing and movement continued in the back rows. No more than 10 seconds later Tobi screamed a long fan girl- like scream. The car swerved quickly leaving the people inside scrambled into all sorts of directions and bumping an old man who was fishing off the side, "TOBI!" The angry ginger growled sternly, "What. The FUCK." "It's iHop, daddy! Can we go PLEEEEASE?!" Deidara, Kisame, and Hidan jolted up from their temporary "coma" "IHOP?!" the three unlikely men exclaimed in unison. They pounced to the front over the probably dead people. Now Pein was hearing too much of: "OH PLEASE!" "TAKE US TAKE US!" "IHOP IHOP IHOP!" "OHPLEASE OHPLEASE OHCHEESE!" Finally he screamed, "OKAY OKAY, WE'RE HERE!" "Yay~" The trio cheered and jumped out of the car, happiness for fresh air and stretched legs. "Okay bitches, let's roll~" Hidan said, put on some sunglasses, and dragged his groaning ass boyfriend into the happy family breakfast restaurant. Everyone else followed his example while Pein trudged behind them along with a sweat dropping Konan in arm.

They were greeted by the aroma of breakfast and freaky friendly waitresses. A girl with shit colored hair and a grin so fake and wide it looked painful, "Hello! My name is Krillin! Welcome to iHop fucke- people." She corrected herself quickly and turned around with an annoying ponytail swishing back and forth that it got to the point where Hidan wanted to sacrifice the fiendish long hair. Later Tobi collapsed on his face. Zetsu turned away from his last 2 pages of Plant Porn of an enlarged photo of an Aloe Vera but instead gasped, "Tobi? Are you okay? **FUCK get the thing!"** he and Su said. The checked plant man held out his hand. Tobi weakly reached up, "Uhm… Yeah Zuzu-san! Tobi is-"Itachi being piggy backed on Kisame's back came by bumping Zetsu onto the masked boy. Then, he obviously fell on top of Tobi. Zetsu had blacked out for moment before trying to settle in what had happened. The plant man heard a loud groan underneath him. A uke-ish yellow background with sparkly flowers and red roses faded into the scene of the floor of iHop. "Uh Hi Tobi…." The masked idiot looked up, "Zuzu-kun…?" Their lips or lips and mask began to closen together… "TOBI, ZETSU GET UP! AND ITACHI-SAN, RELEASE YOUR UKE-NO-JUTSU!" Pein screamed and pulled the two cuties apart thus breaking the uke background. There was Sasori, Deidara, Itachi, Kisame, and Kakuzu seated comfortable in the red cushion chairs and white table. Konan stood there with bloody noses and heart shaped pink glasses to "enhance the experience" and Hidan was sacrificing his 54th virgin for Jashin-sama. Then the readers screamed out in frustration at the crappy author: "GET IT ON WITH THE STORY!" and tried to chuck banana cream pies at her.

"I would like the Chocolate Explosion of Pancakes, un."

"10 Rainbow Doughnuts… You guys lack more sprinkles…"

"Green Waffles and Ham, mesos plez? :D" Tobi slapped Zetsu on across the face. Zetsu coughed, "Thanks Tobi… **Thanks fucker**." "No problem Zuzu-kun~" Tobi said seductively. "T-T-Tobi…." Zetsu stuttered, turned on by this attitude. The others ordered and lastly was our favorite priest. "I want some of your shitty waffles with fucking maple syrup and make sure it's not that cheap as shit." Hidan said looking at Krillin. The waitress wrote down his order and then went to the rest. Finishing, the shit haired waitress walked away from the group and came out seconds later with high stacks of food. Tobi began to drool through his eye hole and Zetsu told a napkin and wiped it off. The waitress placed all the food down on the table, walked away, tripped on a random rock, and rode on a horse down to a painted sunset that happened to lead down to the kitchen. "Let's eat bitches!" Hidan shouted with tearful joys and his head was pushed into his 'shitty waffles with fucking maple syrup,' the albino lifted up his head and instead of his own face was the 'FUUUUUUUU' meme's face, "Marshmellow! Get off of Hidan—NOW." The gross mask dog whimpered started towards Kakuzu's back, "That's right! Get in here!" Kakuzu took off his shirt which made the fangirls in the restaurant drool at the sight as the dog thing melted into his back. (Um.. Ew?) A certain blonde made some fake gagging noises. Pein looked up at the ceiling and wondered when the camping was going to begin which was going to begin in the next chapter.

So very sozzy, just got back from Plant Hollywood (in Las Vegas, Nevada) doing a performance =_+ I'm practically exhausted. I'll began the camping chapter in chapter 3. Hope you like :D

Questions? Ask me at akatsukikaimu

A couple months later,..: SORRY This took me literally months because I just lazy…. _ I had too do SO many edits because I hated this chappy =_= I will get to the camping trip next….

Reviews will be loved.


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